Among This Madness

I am struggling with all of this madness going on in this world right now. I struggle on a day to day bases but right now I am struggling even more. Then I would on a regular base. Don’t get me wrong we have no form of transportation so my family and I already lived in isolation pretty much but this is way too much for us. I feel like if things don’t go to normal soon I may lose my mind.

The hardest part is being that rock for my kids. How can I keep them sane through all of this madness if I don’t have it all myself? How do you not allow it to rock your boat? I am still trying to figure it all out with trial and error but I feel like there have been more errors than anything. This is not easy for those who suffer from mental illness like my kids and I do.

Something has to give soon or at least get better so that we can all have some type of normalcy during this trying time. I just hope that it gets better and not harder from here. COVID has impacted my family in a negative way and I now have to find a way to turn it into a positive situation for us moving forward. No pressure at all!

Negativity and Mental Illness

I have realized that if I do not want my illness to affect me more than it already has then I need to get rid of all of this negativity in my mind and my life. It is important to be positive no matter what is coming your way. Life is to short and we, of course, do not want to lose the battle with our mental illness no matter what that may be. Take the power back do not allow it to overpower you and your positivity. Allow the positive within you to always shine.

When we allow the negativity to take the wheel then we are allowing ourselves to fall deeper with our mental illness this, unfortunately, thrives in anything negative. So let’s not feed this negativity if you are going to feed it then you might as well just say here you go you can have all of the control needed to drive me crazier lol. I know it sounds a little crazy but think about it and be honest with yourself while thinking about it. Does it make sense now to why I would state it in that matter? I hope it does because I know my brain can see things in a strange way that others can’t.

I am learning that life and this universe will give you what you throw out there and it is about time that what I throw into this universe is all of the positive and amazing things that my family and I deserve in life. Not all of these lemons and limes that we have been getting these last few years. So with that being said, I am now working on changing my mindset to becoming so much more positive cleansing myself, and getting rid of all the negativity in my life including people. If it or they are not for me then it or they must go.

Our Children and Mental Illness

I had to make a very hard decision today during all of this COVID-19 madness. My son who is 11 years old has been showing signs of his medication not working. I tried my best to work around it while having to work full-time. With him being home full-time it has thrown all of his conditions way off. To the point, he has triggered my oldest suicidal thoughts, etc. The baby is even struggling with him as well.

For the safety of everyone, I had to admit my son for the first time into the children’s psych hospital. This decision was very hard. Leaving home with him but it was even harder coming home without him. My baby was scared and worried about his sisters and myself. Oh, how hard it is to entrust strangers to take care of your child while trying to get him the help needed.

I’ve had to do this with my 17 years old twice in her life but I never thought that I would have to place my son in there as well. I get he is growing, I get he is going through puberty but man it still did not make this decision an easy one. I had to fight my anxiety and the desire to break down crying when I had to walk away and watch the door close with my son on the other side. My baby my only son is not sleeping in his bed tonight. Instead, he is sleeping with a stranger for a roommate ugh.

I try to see the good in this situation so I can keep my own conditions at bay. Then my son calls and I’m fighting the tears but when he talks to his sisters mainly right after talking to his baby sister he starts to break down. It was so hard to hear him cry on the other side of that phone. I can’t hold him and dry his tears. All I can do is try to keep it together so that I can continue to motivate him to do what we know is in his best interest.

I hope my baby doesn’t have to stay there long. As long as he follows what he needs to do he should be able to return back him in a week. A whole week without my baby boy is going to be a long week without him.

It’s hard dealing with mental illness as an adult but having to watch your own children struggle with it is very hard. Then during this COVID-19 epidemic, it doesn’t help either it makes one’s conditions that more intensive. I can’t go see my baby we can only talk on the phone. But like I always say we got this no matter what and we will come out even stronger.

Isolation

Before all of this madness that is going on in the world right now. My children and I pretty much already self-isolated. I mean it’s not that hard to do in reality.

We are in a state where we barely know anyone to begin with. We have no car which where we live there is nothing close to us and public transportation down this way sucks. So with no way to socialize, we pretty much have no choice.

The downside is that even though we are used to self-isolation due to the fact schools are closed and now all 3 of my kids are home all day. This makes my stress level very high and it triggers my conditions drastically on and off making me even more annoyed.

On a normal day my son goes to school physically which just leaves my oldest who is homeschooled and the baby. They barely make noise or do crazy things that when I get off or go for lunch my house looks like a tornado has hit. This is a huge no no when it comes to me and my home. I can’t stand things out of place or a big mess especially when I see them lounging having a good old time relaxing. Something I need to do after a 9 hour shift of being on the phone providing support to our employees. But no instead I come out ready to rip heads off since the house is a mess. I don’t like this type of isolation.

Dealing with all of this makes me want to get out of the house and go socialize with people lol. For anyone that knows me they know, I am friendly and loving, etc but only with those, I care about. So for me to want to socialize it’s a big deal. Heck even my oldest wants out the house with me and the baby lol. She definitely is worse than me when it comes to people. This is a clear sign that we so don’t like this isolation.

There really was no point to this post just venting since it’s all getting to me I guess. I hope everyone else that is isolating is having a way better time than we are. Stay safe and don’t forget we got this!!

I’m Just One Person

I know life can become hard for anyone and for those without mental illness it can get stressful, but for me, it triggers my depression drastically. I start to feel like a big failure, like nothing that I do is right or that it’s even going to work. This feeling is worse when I can’t do the basics for my children. When I have to pinch every cent just to make sure I can have for their needs. When I can’t miss not one day or hour of work, because I can’t afford to have the money missing from my check.

I find myself drowning in depression. Find myself screaming in my head I’m just one person! How can I stop this downhill that I find myself in? How can I tell the depression that I need it to leave me alone? How can I let it know that failing is not an option for me, that I have to make it no matter what even if it’s just for my children?

Not only do I have to stop myself from falling into the darkness that is yelling my name, but I also have to find a way to stop myself from lashing out to my loved ones around me. It’s so hard to express what the problem is especially when no-one seems to understand or when no one can help because it is my responsibility, not theirs. All I keep thinking and hearing in my head is but I’m just one person.

I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. I refuse to let it get the best of me and I do have to accept the fact that I am just one person but that doesn’t mean that I can’t make it out of the darkness and into the light. I just have to keep on pushing in hopes that I can make it to the lightfast and safe. I refuse to lose and allow the fact that I am just one person stop me from winning!

Parenting

I so love my children. They are my world and the main reason why I try so hard to keep it together, but I have to admit some days are harder than others. Parenting is not easy, but parenting with a mental illness is ten times harder.

Some days I sit here and I tell myself that I am a bad mom, or that my children deserve a better mother than myself. When they have their condition off whack and I try to parent I have to deal with their illness and mine, leaving me to walk on eggshells. I hate walking on eggshells but if I don’t parent my children then who will?

It’s just a struggle to not lose my cool with them or to not make them feel worthless like my mother did to me. At times I have to make sure my PTSD doesn’t kick in, and that I don’t turn into the same person that gave birth to me.

I don’t even pop my children due to the fact that I was abused by my mother growing up. It did nothing but scare me even more and make me feel even more worthless than I had already felt growing up. I also know that due to my PTSD and my other mental illness issues I can become so angry that I blackout. I never want my children to be at the end of that blackout. Hey, if I am honest that is another reason why I don’t even allow myself to get into a physical altercation with anyone as well.

This road is hard harder than I ever thought it would be. I do have amazing children, but they are always at each other since their conditions clash with each other. Hearing them go back and forth drains me and I feel like they are sucking out all of my energy while doing it. I try to talk and sometimes it works but other times it places them in a negative space that I have to fight so hard to get them out of. It’s like damned if I do and damned if I don’t I just can’t find a way to win this battle.

They are worth me finding a way to win this battle without losing my sanity in the process. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

It’s Been A While

I’m sitting here getting my transfusion and I realized that I haven’t taken the time to write anything on my page. Life really gave me a run for my money which had me struggling once again with my mental illness and the kids as well. But like always I had to find a way to that light at the end of the darkness no matter what. If not for me then for my kids.

I believe the last time I posted we were living in a motel trying to figure out our next move. At that time we were all mentally suffering and dealing with the bumps on the road that was knocking us down. Needless to say, those bumps became bigger and closer together than we expected. I then found myself struggling to find a family shelter for us. Everywhere we called there was no opening for us. With my daughter’s suicidal issues, I had to be cautious about where we went and how it affected her. This was hard because I had to make sure I kept my sanity at all costs during this time while monitoring both kid’s conditions as well. If that wasn’t hard enough my son ran out of his main medication for his mental illness. It’s not like the road wasn’t difficult enough here comes another bump to make it feel impossible.

The shelter almost broke me mentally. It was slowly breaking my daughter she had started planning her suicide once again. She was so fragile and it was so hard watching her deal with all of it. My son whom I was worried about since he’s main medication ran out was actually holding on. He made me proud since he was trying very hard not to make the experience harder for his older sister and I. The baby who is too little to express her affects of our situation was expressing it by refusing to eat. No matter what I tried she would not eat. She turned down pizza, McDonald’s even her cups of milk went from all day to 3-4 if lucky a day. That’s a big deal since birth milk has been her favorite meal. It didn’t matter if it was my breast milk or formula milk is always her first choice. So when she was refusing milk I knew it was affecting my happy carefree baby in a negative way. The problem was I couldn’t find a way out of there fast.

Being in a new state, had to stop working, no family and no form transportation were all against me big time. I had to find a way to make moves ASAP to save all four of us.

But the point I was trying to make since I got sidetracked is the fact that with everything happening I couldn’t find the strength or focus to write. I’m still sitting here waiting for my transfusion to finish wondering if I would have posted something maybe I could have processed everything better. I almost didn’t make it but by the Grace of God the apartment, we now have came just in time to save us all.

Should I be held Responsible For The Non Stable Me?

My 1-year-old daughter’s father and I are not together due to a few reasons including our financial situation. I had a serious wanting to cut myself break down where it became difficult for me to fight the urge.

We were already separated but our surroundings we’re whispering in both of our ears causing more tensions and disconnect between us. I had walked away from the relationship because I did not want it turn out toxic like my ex-husband’s relationship where I parent on my own with no communication since all he would do was trigger and belittle me so now my son has no male figure. He was also emotionally harming my son in the process. I have to protect my children at all cost even from me if need be.

I tried to avoid this at all cost with the babies father. But with my mental illness being unstable my emotions we’re sky high and I was extremely hurt as a person and as the mother of his child. I vented about past situations where he made bad decisions that affected my children and myself to our friends that we were staying with and they were playing us against each other. We went from being happy and ok in a matter of 2-3 weeks of staying with them everything went downhill. By being off-balance on the wrong meds I wasn’t easy to deal with. This gave them the opportunity to place that wedge between us.

When I ended up in the psychiatric hospital I had a mental break. A chance to breathe without the extra stress. For me, that was a mini-vacation but in that time these friends we’re placing even more bugs in our ears driving that wedge even deeper. When I was released I expressed to him that his loyalty should have been with me instead of these ”friends”. Being the person he is he kept his silence and now we aren’t even friends. We barely communicate he walked away from us all.

Coparenting without friendship is hard since we have to get along for our child. She has a right to do things with both parents together not just one parent at a time. But unfortunately, we are not on the same page so these wishes aren’t and won’t come true.

He hasn’t even taken the time to see how my new medication has changed me in such a positive way. My depression isn’t what it was and my emotions are controlled. So my question is why should I be punished for the unbalanced me? Why should my children be punished for the unbalanced me?

We went through a lot in these last 3 years I am surprised I did not lose it or break down sooner than I did. We still have no place to live barely know where we are going to lay our heads every night but I am still holding it together. Shouldn’t that count for something? I mean I know for a fact because of my illness and my PTSD I am not easy but I deserve way more respect and support then I get from those that once claimed to love me.

I had to cut my family off since they were toxic for me but now it leaves just me and my kids stuck with no one on our side. Why must we all pay for the unbalanced me?

I have to constantly remind myself that we got this!

Negative Emotions

It’s frustrating to fight so hard to control your emotions just for someone to come and wreak havoc on them without caring how this affects you mentally and emotionally.

How can a person be ok with stepping all over person emotions? How can a person have so much power and control over another person’s emotions? I hate allowing someone the power to control mine!

No matter how much I try to take that power away from them it is hard because of what they mean and meant to me. I struggle with taking that power back and when I think I am finally making progress I have a setback. That setback makes me feel like I am starting from scratch all over again.

Then what adds insult to injury is when the person acts like they did nothing wrong. Like you have no right to be so upset or so hurt by their actions or words. Like really are you that cold-hearted or emotionless that you don’t see the damage that is unfolding in front of your eyes?

This has always been one of my biggest downfalls and no matter how hard I try to stop it the only thing I can do is turn my heart cold towards the person causing the pain and damage.

I need to find a way to stop that control for good no good will come from it. I just have to keep reminding myself we got this!!

Where Has The Day Gone?

Some days I sit and wonder where did the day go? I mean I remember waking up. I remember feeding the kids, picking up, surfing the net or social networks may be texting but that’s about it. What happened to the rest of my day?

This happens more often then I care for it to happen. It’s frustrating since it brings the feelings of a day wasted. Where nothing was accomplished, I mean this is how I see it. I may be wrong but it’s just a feeling I don’t like.

This may be because of my medication or my mental illness but by golly, I wish it did not occur. I don’t even know how many times in a week it occurs and much less how many times in a month. Just wish I had a way of working around it or a way of catching it before the day’s slips away.

This just adds to my frustration, anxiety, and depression. Then it makes me feel like a bad mom since my kids are learning these things from me. It’s bad enough they already have their own mental issues don’t need to add my bad habits from mine to theirs.

Just needed to vent this so that I can let these thoughts go in hopes of being productive today. Be blessed and remember we got this!