August 7, 2019 8:36 a.m.

Good morning and thank you for taking the time to read my post.

At the moment I am sitting in room 224 of the Days Inn Motel in Hampton, VA with Bebe on my lap. I am typing with one hand while holding her with the other. She’s into the cartoon her big brother is watching. So needless to say this post will take me longer to write then it should if I had the use of both my hands. But that’s the life of a parent in general.

You maybe wondering why I mentioned my current location then again you may not. But I will explain we are currently homeless and this has been one of our hardest years despise the mental issues we all deal with, being homeless has topped all of this. As a parent you never want your children to go without or to go to bed hungry etc. My minions as I call them have to deal with this and much more this year. But we are making it and honestly, that’s all that matters at the mto oment.

No, it’s not an easy road especially when the three of us are dealing with different mental issues. We have our good days and bad days like everyone else the difference is how extreme they can be. Another issue which is frequent can be how one of us can be having a bad day and we have to make sure not to make it worse for that pwraon. It’s difficult because you feel like your walking on eggshells to not push that person to the edge. As the mom I have to watch all of our mentals at all times making it hard for me to meet my own needs especially when the kids need me to help them with theirs.

I am not the best mom and granted I beat myself up more than I should but I try my hardest to always be the best I can at that moment.

I wish I can go in-depth more now but Bebo has given me the worst attitude that has caused me to throw my phone across the room, and I need time to sit and talk to him. Then I need to make sure I’m mentally ready for all three of my minions.

What is the point of Anxiety?

I wish I had an answer to this question. It’s not like life isn’t hard enough as it is. I mean sometimes life suffocates us as is why add anxiety to the mix? It’s like pulling the floor from underneath my feel while suffocating me. Go figure like I don’t already have enough issues in my life.

I also have to find a way to not allow my anxiety to turn into attacks. Especially since I am asthmatic. This can trigger a serious attack that can become deadly. No pressure or anything it’s just anxiety. I mean I should be fine since it’s just anxiety!

The real issue is to those that don’t deal with anxiety this isn’t a big deal. They don’t know what it feels like to feel like you have an elephant sitting on your chest not allowing you to breathe. Every time you breathe it’s so painful and fearful. But none of that matters since it’s just anxiety no big deal or anything.

It’s okay if you can’t breathe. It’s okay if the room starts to spin. It’s okay if your seeing spots or start to sweat cold. Don’t worry it’s just anxiety nothing to worry yourself about. This honestly drives me freaken insane. How is anxiety not a big deal? How my ability to breathe being compromised or affected not a big deal?

I’ve been at my computer working when an attack starts to creep up. My ability to function becomes almost impossible. Yet I find myself having to do everything I can to see through the blurry vision or the dizziness. Push through since I have to work passing out or even freaking out is not an option at all.

So guess anxiety is nothing to worry about just like everybody says 🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️.

I Hate This Mental Illness Thing

It is so hard being a mom who has to fight to keep her own mental health together. It is harder while dealing with two children that have their own mental illness going on. Then I have to keep the only one sane. The baby who’s not a baby since she’s 2, happy and normal while praying it skips her. I can’t snap on my children like a regular parent can. Thanks to my bipolar which gets triggered real quick I have to walk on eggshells because I tend to cut not meaning to when things aren’t how they’re supposed to be. I know being a parent, in general, is hard. I love being a mom more than anything. I just hate knowing that my children are dealing with a lot because they got it from me.

I just wish the journey wasn’t as hard as it is. I will stress this and not be tired of stressing it. I love being a mother my children really are my world. I just wish they did not have to deal with the things that they have to deal with. If something happens or goes south. The first thing my mind runs to is it is all my fault. I brought them into this world they have their mental illness because of me. I know that yes, they have some things because of me, but I do know that my oldest has some from her donor’s side. For the other two, there isn’t anything written on paper. The middle one his donor’s family does not believe in mental health issues so I am not sure. For the last one, well, as I said in my YouTube video mental health recognizes mental health. I will leave it at that.

Even with my mind knowing all of this it still does not matter. I will take full blame and feel like the worst mother in the world. I grew up without assistance for the things I needed help with. I never really had the support I should have as an only child, but it’s actually deeper than that just too much to go into right now. With all of this kept in mind, my mental health will still go in on me hard without caring about any of the above information.

If I am not cautious, this can take me very close to the ledge to the point that I can lose focus on what I can lose. I have to focus on how it can affect my children. Most parents don’t really have to focus on who will raise their children if something happens to them. I have to constantly make sure this is updated and covered because I have an illness that can sneak up at any time and it can cause serious damage. This is not okay because it added pressure and stress to me. Stress that I really don’t need.

I love being a mom and even though the road is hard I wouldn’t trade it. Just hate mental illness and how it can affect everyone’s life from the past, present, and future. I just know that no matter what I have to always remind myself that I got this. I so want to create a Facebook group so that we can support each other and remind each other no matter what we got this!!

What Am I Doing?

I just had to walk my 18-year-old off the mental ledge. It doesn’t get any easier for me when I have to do this. It leaves me mentally, physically, and emotionally drained but that’s the least of my problems.

My biggest problem and concern is making sure that I don’t say anything to escalate the situation. Sometimes my bipolar gets triggered and my outburst can cut like a knife. Mind you I’m not intending for this to happen but being honest I am a parent with her mental health illness trying to keep her child safe and alive. This task is not simple for me at all since I have to watch not only what I say, how I say it but I also have to watch the way I respond period. Facial expressions, body language, tone, hand motions, etc. I think you get my point.

This for me is very hard not only am I bipolar, but I also have PTSD, OCD, and anxiety. These all get together and what I think is a soft gentle delivery turns out to be these harsh deep cutting words. I can’t afford for that to happen. If I fail or make one wrong decision move etc not only can I get triggered but I can then lose one of my heartbeats. Everything depends on me and how I deal with this situation at hand.

I have to admit I almost lost but thank God for my mother’s intuition kicking in. I was able to pause and turn it all around. Everything dark for her now has turned light. Allowing me to breathe so that I can work on mending my baby girl. I had to call out of work. I’m working towards a support position which is permanent and better pay. I’m not supposed to miss time but I’m sorry my kids are my everything I am here and me because of them. I had to make sure that she was and is okay.

So needless to say we are now spending some family time by watching some movies and drawing together. Anything to make the better parts of me happy. I just needed someone to dump this mental load on. Thanks for being that someone. Much ❤️.

I Took A Huge Leap Of Faith!

I decided to take a huge leap of faith and go with my heart and spirit. I created a YouTube channel for my page. I know your probably thinking huh or, hmm but hear me out first. I think once I explain you may understand why. At least I am hoping that is the case. A girl can hope and dream haha. Alright, I’ll stop stalling my explanation and start explaining.

I know I barely write and when I do I tend to ramble a lot. It’s hard for me to stay on topic 😆. So unless I know that I can sit with enough focus to not ramble I won’t post. Which does not seem to help my cause now that I think about it 🤔. (Okay now Nette focus make your case!). Alright back to making my case. I realized that yes being a parent is hard within itself then if you add being a parent with mental illness this makes the job at hand much harder. But let’s not skip ahead lets sloe down a little.

Being a parent is hard to find we agree with that. Then we know that being a single parent is more difficult than just being a parent. Does anyone want to disagree? We can pause so you can take a moment to express your disagreement. I don’t mind and I don’t think anyone else will. Will anyone else mind? (cricket, cricket clears throat). Time to move on the hope we all feel better now. So yes being a single parent is harder than being a parent. Now let’s consider being a patent with special needs children this is hard as well. Now let’s dig a little deeper it’s then even harder to be a parent with mental illness but way harder I be a parent with mental illness and kids with mental illness as well.

Yes there are endless categories that may be more difficult than my situation but I can only speak on what I know and that is this. Boy do I know that it is a huge challenge and I know that no one seems to understand my challenge so it’s hard finding the support I need to stay on the right path. Half the time I fake the funk with the few that are in my circle. Its easier to fake the funk then it would be to explain but even harder to get the to understand. 🤷🏽‍♀️ just being honest. Can’t blame me for feeling that way but it is draining trying to get others to understand. You think I’m still not making my point?

Honestly speaking I am making my point. Stop and think about what I just said. Do you see it? If you don’t it’s okay. I will explain so that you can see it. I rather fake the funk then to explain for others to understand. But if I had others that deal with similar things then I wouldn’t have to explain. I can just ven but most importantly I’m being understood while I am venting. This is a very key component since not only do you not have to explain, justify, explain again or ignore the frustration of not being understood but you can feel way more relaxed. This then helps you feel confident in the advise you receive from your friend’s. Now do you see?

My channel will allow others that can relate find comfort and support with each other. I plan to create a community for us so we can have a place to go for support a virtual extended family. From that group we will have one for the kids of age who already have a Facebook page to join for support from other kids that have parents with mental illness. I also want to have one for kids who have parents and siblings with mental illness. They need support as well.

I think I made my case. I hope you will take the time to check my youtube channel out. If it’s for you please like and subscribe. If it’s not for you no worries I respect it but if you know of others that can benefit the please share. You never know who it may help ☺️.

https://youtube.com/channel/UCD8cJIfkpnExknhPQcjShnA

What is the point?

I’m not even sure I remember why I even created this blog. I know I wasn’t in a good mental headspace at the time I created it. I guess it was meant to be an outlet. I’m honestly not sure since I am not in the same headspace. I’m also not one to communicate with strangers or one to share my business unless I am beyond overwhelmed so I’m not sure what’s the point of me having this blog. I think this is something I may have to figure out on my own somehow.

One thing I do know is that I love being a mother. I don’t like being a single mother but I love being a mom more than anything. My children really are my world and I do this thing called life for them and only them. I just hate the obstacles that I face daily especially because it makes it so hard for me to parent and be an amazing parent at that.

Why complain parenting is hard in general? What makes my situation different from any other parent? Let me reintroduce myself. My name is Linette I just turned 41 this month. I’m bipolar, I suffer from anxiety, PTSD, severe depression and I’m still working on seeing if there is anything else. I struggle on a regular with my issues. It doesn’t help that I’m quick to flip snap etc. I work hard to get and keep my conditions at bay so that I won’t give my children the crazy mama. This is a challenge within itself especially after I realize or notice that I was defeated and have to then backtrack to make sure I do damage control before the struggle kicks in.

It is so draining especially since I have to honestly stop replay the conversation use all of my energy to make right what my condition decided to mess up. This takes a toll on me and leaves me feeling drained. Now it wouldn’t be that bad if that’s all I had to do but it’s not. See the twist in my life is that my 18-year-old daughter is a high functioning autistic, PTSD, bipolar, ADHD, and a few other things. This makes it harder for me to de-escalate the situation. Then my 11-year-old son is also a high functioning autistic as well with ODD, ADHD, impulsivity, and a few others as well. The big challenge is the fact that what I do for one I can’t for the other making it so stressful. It requires me to constantly bite my tongue so I won’t unleash my conditions on them.

All of that makes it so darn hard to parent but I still wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I have my 2-year old who knock on wood will.be skipped by all of these mental health issues. She’s my one little light that lets the rest of us know that no matter what we will be and are okay. I’m again not sure the point of my blog or even this post lol my brain is always everywhere making me forget so much. But hope you guys understand where I am coming from.

Among This Madness

I am struggling with all of this madness going on in this world right now. I struggle on a day to day bases but right now I am struggling even more. Then I would on a regular base. Don’t get me wrong we have no form of transportation so my family and I already lived in isolation pretty much but this is way too much for us. I feel like if things don’t go to normal soon I may lose my mind.

The hardest part is being that rock for my kids. How can I keep them sane through all of this madness if I don’t have it all myself? How do you not allow it to rock your boat? I am still trying to figure it all out with trial and error but I feel like there have been more errors than anything. This is not easy for those who suffer from mental illness like my kids and I do.

Something has to give soon or at least get better so that we can all have some type of normalcy during this trying time. I just hope that it gets better and not harder from here. COVID has impacted my family in a negative way and I now have to find a way to turn it into a positive situation for us moving forward. No pressure at all!

Negativity and Mental Illness

I have realized that if I do not want my illness to affect me more than it already has then I need to get rid of all of this negativity in my mind and my life. It is important to be positive no matter what is coming your way. Life is to short and we, of course, do not want to lose the battle with our mental illness no matter what that may be. Take the power back do not allow it to overpower you and your positivity. Allow the positive within you to always shine.

When we allow the negativity to take the wheel then we are allowing ourselves to fall deeper with our mental illness this, unfortunately, thrives in anything negative. So let’s not feed this negativity if you are going to feed it then you might as well just say here you go you can have all of the control needed to drive me crazier lol. I know it sounds a little crazy but think about it and be honest with yourself while thinking about it. Does it make sense now to why I would state it in that matter? I hope it does because I know my brain can see things in a strange way that others can’t.

I am learning that life and this universe will give you what you throw out there and it is about time that what I throw into this universe is all of the positive and amazing things that my family and I deserve in life. Not all of these lemons and limes that we have been getting these last few years. So with that being said, I am now working on changing my mindset to becoming so much more positive cleansing myself, and getting rid of all the negativity in my life including people. If it or they are not for me then it or they must go.

Our Children and Mental Illness

I had to make a very hard decision today during all of this COVID-19 madness. My son who is 11 years old has been showing signs of his medication not working. I tried my best to work around it while having to work full-time. With him being home full-time it has thrown all of his conditions way off. To the point, he has triggered my oldest suicidal thoughts, etc. The baby is even struggling with him as well.

For the safety of everyone, I had to admit my son for the first time into the children’s psych hospital. This decision was very hard. Leaving home with him but it was even harder coming home without him. My baby was scared and worried about his sisters and myself. Oh, how hard it is to entrust strangers to take care of your child while trying to get him the help needed.

I’ve had to do this with my 17 years old twice in her life but I never thought that I would have to place my son in there as well. I get he is growing, I get he is going through puberty but man it still did not make this decision an easy one. I had to fight my anxiety and the desire to break down crying when I had to walk away and watch the door close with my son on the other side. My baby my only son is not sleeping in his bed tonight. Instead, he is sleeping with a stranger for a roommate ugh.

I try to see the good in this situation so I can keep my own conditions at bay. Then my son calls and I’m fighting the tears but when he talks to his sisters mainly right after talking to his baby sister he starts to break down. It was so hard to hear him cry on the other side of that phone. I can’t hold him and dry his tears. All I can do is try to keep it together so that I can continue to motivate him to do what we know is in his best interest.

I hope my baby doesn’t have to stay there long. As long as he follows what he needs to do he should be able to return back him in a week. A whole week without my baby boy is going to be a long week without him.

It’s hard dealing with mental illness as an adult but having to watch your own children struggle with it is very hard. Then during this COVID-19 epidemic, it doesn’t help either it makes one’s conditions that more intensive. I can’t go see my baby we can only talk on the phone. But like I always say we got this no matter what and we will come out even stronger.

Isolation

Before all of this madness that is going on in the world right now. My children and I pretty much already self-isolated. I mean it’s not that hard to do in reality.

We are in a state where we barely know anyone to begin with. We have no car which where we live there is nothing close to us and public transportation down this way sucks. So with no way to socialize, we pretty much have no choice.

The downside is that even though we are used to self-isolation due to the fact schools are closed and now all 3 of my kids are home all day. This makes my stress level very high and it triggers my conditions drastically on and off making me even more annoyed.

On a normal day my son goes to school physically which just leaves my oldest who is homeschooled and the baby. They barely make noise or do crazy things that when I get off or go for lunch my house looks like a tornado has hit. This is a huge no no when it comes to me and my home. I can’t stand things out of place or a big mess especially when I see them lounging having a good old time relaxing. Something I need to do after a 9 hour shift of being on the phone providing support to our employees. But no instead I come out ready to rip heads off since the house is a mess. I don’t like this type of isolation.

Dealing with all of this makes me want to get out of the house and go socialize with people lol. For anyone that knows me they know, I am friendly and loving, etc but only with those, I care about. So for me to want to socialize it’s a big deal. Heck even my oldest wants out the house with me and the baby lol. She definitely is worse than me when it comes to people. This is a clear sign that we so don’t like this isolation.

There really was no point to this post just venting since it’s all getting to me I guess. I hope everyone else that is isolating is having a way better time than we are. Stay safe and don’t forget we got this!!