Should I be held Responsible For The Non Stable Me?

My 1-year-old daughter’s father and I are not together due to a few reasons including our financial situation. I had a serious wanting to cut myself break down where it became difficult for me to fight the urge.

We were already separated but our surroundings we’re whispering in both of our ears causing more tensions and disconnect between us. I had walked away from the relationship because I did not want it turn out toxic like my ex-husband’s relationship where I parent on my own with no communication since all he would do was trigger and belittle me so now my son has no male figure. He was also emotionally harming my son in the process. I have to protect my children at all cost even from me if need be.

I tried to avoid this at all cost with the babies father. But with my mental illness being unstable my emotions we’re sky high and I was extremely hurt as a person and as the mother of his child. I vented about past situations where he made bad decisions that affected my children and myself to our friends that we were staying with and they were playing us against each other. We went from being happy and ok in a matter of 2-3 weeks of staying with them everything went downhill. By being off-balance on the wrong meds I wasn’t easy to deal with. This gave them the opportunity to place that wedge between us.

When I ended up in the psychiatric hospital I had a mental break. A chance to breathe without the extra stress. For me, that was a mini-vacation but in that time these friends we’re placing even more bugs in our ears driving that wedge even deeper. When I was released I expressed to him that his loyalty should have been with me instead of these ”friends”. Being the person he is he kept his silence and now we aren’t even friends. We barely communicate he walked away from us all.

Coparenting without friendship is hard since we have to get along for our child. She has a right to do things with both parents together not just one parent at a time. But unfortunately, we are not on the same page so these wishes aren’t and won’t come true.

He hasn’t even taken the time to see how my new medication has changed me in such a positive way. My depression isn’t what it was and my emotions are controlled. So my question is why should I be punished for the unbalanced me? Why should my children be punished for the unbalanced me?

We went through a lot in these last 3 years I am surprised I did not lose it or break down sooner than I did. We still have no place to live barely know where we are going to lay our heads every night but I am still holding it together. Shouldn’t that count for something? I mean I know for a fact because of my illness and my PTSD I am not easy but I deserve way more respect and support then I get from those that once claimed to love me.

I had to cut my family off since they were toxic for me but now it leaves just me and my kids stuck with no one on our side. Why must we all pay for the unbalanced me?

I have to constantly remind myself that we got this!

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Negative Emotions

It’s frustrating to fight so hard to control your emotions just for someone to come and wreak havoc on them without caring how this affects you mentally and emotionally.

How can a person be ok with stepping all over person emotions? How can a person have so much power and control over another person’s emotions? I hate allowing someone the power to control mine!

No matter how much I try to take that power away from them it is hard because of what they mean and meant to me. I struggle with taking that power back and when I think I am finally making progress I have a setback. That setback makes me feel like I am starting from scratch all over again.

Then what adds insult to injury is when the person acts like they did nothing wrong. Like you have no right to be so upset or so hurt by their actions or words. Like really are you that cold-hearted or emotionless that you don’t see the damage that is unfolding in front of your eyes?

This has always been one of my biggest downfalls and no matter how hard I try to stop it the only thing I can do is turn my heart cold towards the person causing the pain and damage.

I need to find a way to stop that control for good no good will come from it. I just have to keep reminding myself we got this!!

Where Has The Day Gone?

Some days I sit and wonder where did the day go? I mean I remember waking up. I remember feeding the kids, picking up, surfing the net or social networks may be texting but that’s about it. What happened to the rest of my day?

This happens more often then I care for it to happen. It’s frustrating since it brings the feelings of a day wasted. Where nothing was accomplished, I mean this is how I see it. I may be wrong but it’s just a feeling I don’t like.

This may be because of my medication or my mental illness but by golly, I wish it did not occur. I don’t even know how many times in a week it occurs and much less how many times in a month. Just wish I had a way of working around it or a way of catching it before the day’s slips away.

This just adds to my frustration, anxiety, and depression. Then it makes me feel like a bad mom since my kids are learning these things from me. It’s bad enough they already have their own mental issues don’t need to add my bad habits from mine to theirs.

Just needed to vent this so that I can let these thoughts go in hopes of being productive today. Be blessed and remember we got this!

Cloudy Brain

I’m enjoying my new medicine the only problem is that I am so used to having a racing brain 24/7. I am struggling to remember things or continue with my train of thought. I feel like my ADHD isn’t the best on this medicine.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that my brain feels cloudy or foggy all the time especially when I wake up. I’m not used to this at all. I need to change my way of survival with this new medicine. I’m so used to having my brain on 1000.

How am I going to change my old habits of survival since I no longer need them? It’s been 39 years to just start all over again ugh so much work. Just wish the clouds and fog would disappear maybe then it would be easier for me.

I find myself drifting to my old coping mechanisms. I catch myself some times and other times I don’t realize it until afterward. Oh, my what do I do now with my new way of thinking?

It’s great to fix one problem but it sucks to have to start all over again from scratch especially after so many years. But like my tag says we got this!

I have little faith in people

The words in this picture speak volumes about the people in my life or use to be in my life. From my oldest father to the youngest father. Then let’s not mention those so-called friends or the ones that have the same blood running through them as me which are called family. I can love and help others even when I didn’t have myself but where did that get me🤔?

I can answer that it got me to the Days Inn motel in Hampton, VA miles from my original state of CT. I trusted and had faith in the wrong people I guess you can say. I should have known better but honestly, I didn’t expect them to turn their backs on me and my children. I should of though because these are my minions my responsibilities and they came from me. So why would the next person or even their fathers sacrifice anything for them when they are still in the selfish stage.

But anyways I am getting sidetracked here. I had faith and trusted my daughter’s father to do as we had planned while I was pregnant. I mean we had a plan so things should of went smooth. I worked to maintain the current bills along with food etc. He was to back the money he maid working his under the table security job so that we could move into our own place before the baby came. Imagine my surprise a month before my C-section is scheduled when I look in the box that he claims had the money saved to find it empty. No money at all. I was heartbroken I did not want my baby to come into this world to stay where we were. The environment was toxic and it was mentally breaking me. But I had no other choice than to be ok with it since he did not keep his word not even for his child but I had kept mine. I lost faith in him at that moment because he let me and my children down. What was the point of having a plan?

Then my own mother is another one that had let me down all my life on and off. Hell, my PTSD comes from her and my childhood we can spend a few hours on this topic alone but we won’t go there maybe another time when I’m ready to open that door. She decided to dislike my youngest daughters father for her own reasons which are ok she was entitled to her feelings and opinions. She wasn’t entitled to mentally abuse my daughter about my boyfriend or myself. She was not entitled to mentally abuse my son and create more insecurities within him. She was not entitled to call DCF on me for being a parent. She was not entitled to call animal control and try to take away my daughters dogs that at the moment we’re keeping her somewhat sane in the hell of a house my mother called home. She was not entitled to mentally abuse me or allow her friends to mentally abuse me or my children. She was not entitled to try to fight me while I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. The list goes on but I think you get the point I am trying to make.

Moving on to my ”friend” that offered for the kids and me to come stay with her, her fiance and their baby until we got back on our feet. I decided not to take the offer at first because I did not want to take my newborn away from her father but life had other plans. I couldn’t stay at my mother’s house anymore my postpartum depression was getting worse. My suicidal thoughts were so extreme. They were winning along with my depression. No matter how much I tried to fight it nothing was working not even medicine. I looked into the shelters in my state but they were all booked and of course, DCF had nothing to help me with. My last hope of sanity was to take my ”friend” up on her offer. I used my last money and moved to Newport News, VA. Once we arrived my mental state was in a better place. I even started looking for jobs that I could work at home so that I can continue homeschooling my oldest while taking care of the baby as well. We arrived on August 30th. On December 9th a few days after my birthday and of course before Christmas, her fiance decides that she needed to choose between myself and him. Mind you we never argued had any issues but now we were on the street. We had nowhere to go but to an extended stay. She offered to pay half weekly to help since she kicked us out overnight. I still to this day do not understand how he expected me to find an apartment once we arrived with no income. But anyways she kept her word for one week. Leaving me to stress how was I going to pay every week. She left us to fend for ourselves not having a vehicle or knowing anyone around here. She pretty much stopped being a friend until she needed me to watch her daughter so the same person that kicked us out could now work. Being the person that I am I watched her daughter and when I say watched I had her baby for 3-5 days straights including overnight. She couldn’t handle getting up early with a 1-year-old. I didn’t judge I tried to keep my sanity I now had my 3 and her child in a room with nowhere to go. Mind you I was also training for my job that was set to start soon. When I sat and explained that I needed to either get paid or for her to keep her word of paying half weekly she decides she no longer needed my services and went mia once again. You may think I was wrong for charging but I was basically raising her child along with mine. Why was I able to be a mom and she wasn’t why should they have the opportunity to be kid-free when they put us out on the street on a rainy day. No, I’m sorry but my children were once again hurting because yet another person they called uncle and auntie let them down. No sir they could have had in-home childcare if they didn’t kick us out. So again I was let down when trusting another person.

My mental state was in jeopardy along with those of my children as well. Life was not being kind to us but those we had trusted were the ones to really let us down. I now place no faith in anyone except for God my faith in him will always remain. I just can’t when it comes to people. These were only a few examples of those that have let me down but who’s back I’ve always had until I said no more and walked away completely.

I just keep reminding myself every day we got this can’t lose faith in myself or we won’t make it to the next day!

Moments like this make it all better..

As a mom, I love it when my children are relaxing with me. When we actually spend time watching a movie or a show together with no one arguing, fighting, in a dark place, etc.

Moments like these make me feel like the best mom in the world. It makes all of our struggles worth it. The love that I feel at this moment overpowers any negative emotions or thoughts. Yes, this is the perfect moment that defines me as a mother.

We currently have no permanent roof over our heads, we are motel hopping until we run out of money. But in the mist of it all when my minions want quality time with me it reminds me of why I am still in this fight. Why I am destined to win. This is the lowest time in their short lives but as long as I can make it for them we won’t be here long.

I have to keep on pushing for more moments like these I have to make sure that no matter what we continue to have these moments together. I just hope they mean the same to my minions. I hope these moments help them to keep that fight for better days. That they feel all of the love I have for them so it can hold them through the storm we are in. One day these moments will be in our own space again back on our feet. But until then these moments give me the energy needed to survive the storm.

I just need to remind myself at all times no matter what we got this!

Sidebar I needed to sneak these pictures to not ruin the moment. If they would have known it would have been mom lol.

Proud of my Beba!

Today my baby took a step forward and finally decided to create her blog something we have discussed in length for almost two years. I am very proud of her for taking this big step.

She is just like me, not a people person we rather be alone than with people. I blame me for this seeing the fact that it’s always been just me and her until her brother came when she was six. Then it was us three until the baby can last year and now it’s just us four. I’m not one to really being anyone around my kids or better yet around me. Those that we know are either family members or people I’ve worked with that have become like our family. This is pretty much the only reason we are ok with socializing with them.

But back to the topic at hand. I’m proud of this step that to normal teenagers isn’t a big deal but for mine it is. When she sees this post she will yell ”mom” but I don’t care it’s worth it.

Love you baby girl beyond the moon and stars. Remember we got this no matter what!